I was an upright, obedient Christian girl—until the summer I turned twenty, when I developed a debilitating crush on a thirty-year-old, acid-dropping, Buddhist divorcé. Conflicted and angry, I chose to distance myself from evangelical conformity. I moved to Houston and married an atheist. But I still hadn’t fully divested from my internalized religious standards. When an unexpected move back to Boulder after ten years brings me face-to-face with the lingering remnants of my religious formation, I finally learn how to have grace with myself. 

This memoir blends narrative with cultural criticism, inventorying the material and ideological detritus of evangelicalism and exploring the means and effects of childhood indoctrination. I incorporate specific cultural artifacts like the conservative sex education curriculum “Passport 2 Purity,” and I set my personal experience of girlhood against the backdrop of church youth group and purity culture. Through all of this, I gradually extricate my sense of self from the authoritarian, patriarchal structures that sought to keep me small and silent. 

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY MOTHER WAS AFRAID OF dramatizes the dilemma of whether to stay dormant within a culture one no longer identifies with, or to leave, knowing one will sacrifice approval, community, and security in the process. 

While an increasing number of books address religious trauma, few of them capture the personal experience of emotional disentanglement in real time. Over the past five years of developing this project, I have familiarized myself with and written extensively about other books that address the delicate juncture between religious affiliation and self-determination. Comp titles include Stephanie Stalvey’s EVERYTHING IN COLOR and Tia Leving’s A WELL-TRAINED WIFE. In terms of prose style, the book reads like Claire Dederer’s LOVE AND TROUBLE meets Patricia Lockwood’s PRIESTDADDY, for its elements of romantic and familial relationships. 

I hold an MFA in Writing from Pacific University and a BA in Biblical Studies from Gordon College. My writing has been published or is forthcoming in the Christian Century, the Revealer, Electric Literature, the Rumpus, the Offing, and elsewhere. In addition to memoir, personal essay, and humor, I write literary criticism focused on women’s experiences within faith communities. I serve as the executive editor for sneaker wave magazine, the inaugural critic-in-residence for Mayday, and the arts & culture editor of Boulder Reporting Lab.